Be nice to your kids. They’ll pick your nursing home


Proof reading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says    –    No crap, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers    –    Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over    –    What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death   –    No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant    –   See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace    –    I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile   –    Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures    –    Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide    –    They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges    –     You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge    –    He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   –   Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft    –    That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks    –     Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half    –   Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors    –    Boy, are they tall!
                                   And the winner is….  

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead –  Did I read that right?***************************************************

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said,'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'


 As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'


Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'


Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!


On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'


Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'


Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'


God's Problem Now. His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there. -


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
‘I almost had an affair with another woman..’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that
woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put
any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
that’s the same as putting it in!’


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me howlong it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records….


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the
Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t
like the looks of your wife at all.”Me neither doc,’ said the husband.
‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’


Riding the train

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.

‘How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks one
of the men.

‘Watch and learn,’ answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats.
But all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
‘Ticket, please.’ The door opens just a crack,and a single arm
emerges with aticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip
but see Totheir astonishment, that the three women don’t buy any ticket at all!

‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asks one perplexed man.

‘Watch and learn,’ answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet,
and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

She knocks on their door and says, ‘Ticket please.’

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.

She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of
the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.



 Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers  are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were  spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking  the questions, of course..

The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up most of the  show!

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding  meat?

A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later):  Loneliness!

And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15  minutes.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long  enough.

Q. If you’re  going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should  you  be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three  days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as  long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way  sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a  man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That’s  what’s been keeping me awake.

Q.  According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and  you think that he is                        attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of  decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a  twenty..

 Q. What are ‘Do  It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?

A. George Gobel: I don’t  know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie:  You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
                             I’ll give you  a gesture you’ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too  easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to  grow strawberries.                                                                            Are you going to  get any during the first  year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing  strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the  pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
                            One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting  into the habit                     of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the  army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,                                   what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen                them on at least two occasions. What  are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh



A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought  his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even  though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he
went  around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt——————————–

At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly  husband’s marriage seminar.  At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea,
spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th

The Priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ‘I’m agonna go get her.’


 Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your
parade.  So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned  the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
“Rome? Why would anyone want to there?  It’s crowded and
dirty. You’re crazy to go to  Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re  taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate.”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So,
where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called  Teste

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.” “We’re going to
go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about
her trip to Rome .

“It was wonderful,” explained the  woman, “Not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us
up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great. They’d just finished a
$5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge.”

muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but
I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand.
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.

“Oh, really. What’d he say?” He said, “So who screwed up your hair?


My goal isn’t to arrive at the end of my life in a well preserved body..but
to skid in sideways shouting ‘what a ride’!!!



A young guy from Minnesota  moves to Florida and goes to a big
everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, ‘Do you have any sales experience?’

The kid says ‘Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota .’

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
‘You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see  how you did.’
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
‘How many customers bought something from you today?’

The kid says, ‘One.’

The boss says,  ‘Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?’
The kid says, ‘$101,237.65.’

The boss says, ‘$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?’

The kid says, ‘First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.’

The boss said ‘A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT
and a TRUCK?’

The kid said ‘No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing’


Two women friends had gone for a girls’ night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

‘These girl nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties!!’

‘That’s nothing’ said the other husband, ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said. “From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”




George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot  them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”


The Pillsbury  Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Dough boy was buried in a lightly  greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects,  including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess  Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with  flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy  as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show  business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a  very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite  being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty  old man and was  considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by  his wife Play Dough, their children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough,  plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop  Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says ……………….[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ………………..[ That’ll stop ’em. ]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?………………….. [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes  Over ………………. [What a guy!! ]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death……………………….[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  ………………… [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace …………………………….[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile ………………..[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ……………………… [Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide……………..They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!  ………………………..  [You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge …………….. [ he probably IS  the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group………………. [Weren’t they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in spacecraft  …………….. [That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks ………………………………………….Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half  ……………………………….  [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  ………………………………….. [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead