Just Tooooo Phunny

Funny stuff
I think you are the father…A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.
” Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???
She Looks into his eyes and calmly says, ” No, I’m your son’s math teacher.
Support Desk: Customer Support, may I help you?
Caller: Yes you can. The cup holder on my computer has broken and I need it replaced.
Support Desk: Cup holder?
Caller: Yes, the cup holder.
Support Desk: Are you sure you purchased your computer from us?
Caller: Of course I did.
Support Desk: I’m sorry ma’am but our computer doesn’t come with a cup holder.
Caller: Yes, it does! I have been using it every morning. This morning when I put my cup in it broke.
Support Desk: Ma’am. Where is it located?
Caller: On the front. It comes out when I push the button.
Support Desk: Ma’am, that is the CD holder.
The Negligee
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.  He is shown several possibilities that range  from $250 to $500 — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Once upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea.  It’s so sheer that it might as well not be there.  I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked.
I’ll return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, “Good Grief!  You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon.  Closed casket.
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.  The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am.  What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”).
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing . . . I’m reading.”
“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could
start at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.  It’s likely she can also think.  Send this to four women/girls who are thinkers.  If you received this, you’ll know someone thinks you’re intelligent
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.  Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said
“Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”
A man wanted a job, but the foreman wouldn’t hire him until he passed a
little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said.
“Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Withouta numbers,” the Italian said. “Datta easy.”
He proceeded to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asked. “Have you got no brain?
“Tree and tree and tree makea nine,” said the Italian.
“Fair enough,” said the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use
the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he
had just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratched his head and said, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each ofa da trees isa dirty now. So, it’s a dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99.”
The boss was getting worried that he was going to have to actually hire this Italian, so he said, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stared into space some more, then picked up the picture again, made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, “Ere you go. One a hundred.”
The boss looked at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
(You’re going to love this one!)
The Italian leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, “A little doga comea long and crapa by each a tree. So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd. Datta makea one hundred. So, when I’m a gonna start?”
Subject: Italian Pregnancy   This is really funny………….
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.  Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.  The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later, a  Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and  distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suitsteps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the  problem.  I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I will take charge.  I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2  retail stores,  a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000  bank account.
If twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,  “You try again.”
The Hooker
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a
woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars..." she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the
hell, it's only twenty bucks.
    So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a
light flashes on them . It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the Newfoundlander answers
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know.
"Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in ‘er
Life and Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made contact, “Connie….Connie. “:
“Is that you, Joe?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf  course again.
Then it’s more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
“Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!”
“Not exactly… I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.”
What a Salesman!!!!!!!
A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
“Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota”, the kid answers.
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him a job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. “
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid says, “One.”
“Just one? That’s terrible!  Our sales people average twenty to thirty customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.65”.
The boss responds, “$101, 237.65?!  What the heck did you sell?”
The kid answers, “First I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod.
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said ‘down the
coast,’ so I told him he was going to need a new boat. So we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4
The incredulous boss said, “A guy comes in here to buy
a fishhook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?!’
The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons
for his wife, and I said ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot … you should go fishing!’ “
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body.
He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently,
“These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”
Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou
hungry, Mother Teresa?” asked God.
“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share
it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye
bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
She couldn’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand it…”
God sighed. “Let’s be honest Teresa,” He said, “. . . for just two people, it doesn’t pay to cook.”
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, “Look at your sign.”  It reads: “I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support”
Carlos looks at Jose’s sign.
It reads: “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico
Here’s the text of a letter from a Farm Kid currently undergoing training at the Marine Corps

Recruit Depot in San Diego…
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for Old Man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men go to shave, but it’s not so bad because there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
eggplant, pie and other regular food.
But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on ‘route marches’ which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different.
A ‘route march’ is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though because they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull
at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6′ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8′ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring some to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine  which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, “A THOUGHT.” It just pops into your head.
There’s no warning.
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.
“And, now you sir?”, he asked the second man.
“Hmmm…let me see. “A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a

very popular clich?? for speed.” He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. “Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.  “It’s hard to beat the speed of
light,” he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the
interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.”
“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh sure”, said Old Bubba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling
so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.”
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!….
Have a good day!!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ”
Hello ?

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes ,” Whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, ” No ,”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” ” Yes ,”
“May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, ” No ,”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
Yes ,” whispered the child, ” a policeman “.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
No, he’s busy “, Whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
A helicopter “Answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed a helicopter .”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…
ME .”
Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest  one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.”  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, “NO, it’s not.  Four is larger than two.”
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
I live in a semi rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
From Kingman , KS
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.”
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.   He was a Chef?
Yep…From Kansas City !
I was at the airport checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”
To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”
He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing.”
Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun.  We should do this more often.”

Original Computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

. . .
You just hoped nobody ever found
The Golden Urinal …

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a ‘get acquainted’ tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use the personal Presidential bathroom.
When he entered the toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
“Just think,” he said, “when I am President, I could have a gold urinal too, but I wouldn’t do something so self-indulgent!”
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: “I found out who peed in your saxophone”

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. “Would you like dinner?” the flight
attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”


The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back
of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”